Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian have broken up. Who’s next?

Are you surprised we’re back here talking about another breakup with Pete Davidson? (No one is more disgusted than me that I’m writing about this comedian’s love life for the third time. First there was Ariana Grande in 2018, then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian in 2021.) Alas, as hot girl summer shrinks as an erection folding in on itself after a brief, unsatisfying sexual escapade, Pete and Kim are no more. After nine glorious months of stress, they broke up, citing impossible schedules. I understand. I’m busy too. Last week I had to go to the post office.

Memes and speculation abound. Who will Davidson date next? It’s a fun game! The world is his horny oyster because it seems this slimy pup can have whoever he wants. This Hades doll rejected in the Disney factory Hercules can have whoever he wants! The question is where he wants to go.

BuzzFeed News’ new and obviously power-hungry editor — she made me write this and I’m rightly afraid of white women in power — thinks Helen Mirren is the natural candidate for Pete’s next adventure. . And certainly it would be an absolute gas. Of course, I’d love to think about the Queen of England going after Benji Madden. But it almost seems predictable. Another older white woman to bolster Davidson’s already stellar reputation as a young man who understands what a real woman wants? Boring. Thanks, then.

There are plenty of slinky brunettes (who seem to be her type) looking for revenge or fame or name recognition or, allegedly, a big dick. There’s Julia Fox, Ye’s ex-girlfriend and famous eyeliner pioneer, who might appreciate Davidson’s grassroots energy and the ouroboros of dating the ex-boyfriend of the ex-wife of her ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile, Emily Ratajkowski is apparently recently single and, allegedly, sad that she was cheated on. I could see her smack in the face of her ex that she was dating the bratty kid from Charlie and the chocolate factory which has to be ironed at the end of the book and ends up being 10 feet tall. Or what about Miley Cyrus, who flirted pretty hard with Davidson on The show tonight in December? It might work, but on reflection, it might be too much chaos, ink, and bleached hair for a couple to last more than a few hours. In every relationship, one person is thrown into complete anarchy and the other person needs to know what a Roth IRA is. (I don’t know what a Roth IRA is.)

It’s just that none of these suggestions seem quite right. Just about every celebrity Davidson might be seen with before the end of the year feels too on the nose, too possible, too tedious.

Look, I could go on poetically talking about all the people Davidson should date, but the answer is right in front of me. It’s me. It’s obviously me. I am perfect. I have everything, and yet nothing at all. Davidson’s routine of dating leggy white women is fine, but it’s mundane and predictable. Why not add a swarthy ethnicity who regularly looks at a new pubic hair she grew and says, “Well, how did you get this far?” Doesn’t he want to finally date a woman whose upper arms were once described as “tremendous and heartbreaking” by his own father? Much like Kardashian, I navigate the rocky terrain of modern divorce, and I, too, could enjoy time with Davidson. Maybe hanging out with an erotic Slender Man would give me a little more power in my own breakup.

It would be a big change for me too. The men I date usually look like Lego bricks stacked on top of each other, little square heads full of NFL facts and information about their own deltoids. None of them are even 1% famous – barely a Wikipedia entry in sight.

Davidson would be a starter, a pick out of left field. We could smoke weed and watch half cooked and eat Abba-Zaba. We could stroll around lower Manhattan in $240 white T-shirts, like we were sharing a secret. (The secret is boinking!!!) And frankly, he needs me. At this point, her dating history reads like a contest of Keira Knightley lookalikes: Cazzie David, Kate Beckinsale, Margaret Qualley, Kaia Gerber, Phoebe Dynevor. Put all these girls in some Pride and Prejudice dress in an empire style and tuck their hair into charming buns and they all look the same!

Davidson has spent the past nine months with a Kardashian, someone who has selected the physical characteristics of women of color around the world. Why not get it from the source, Pete??

I’m 5’5″, 175 pounds of pure bile and I’m mean as shit. I have an atrocious astrology chart and I’m terrible at parties. Unlike those women with swan necks and publicly sweet dispositions, I am certified chilled out. Look… literally everything I’ve written here. No one would see it coming, and everyone would talk about it. Who is this absolute person that Pete Davidson pulled out of obscurity and took to To catch, where we heard her loudly complaining that chicken fingers weren’t on the menu? I heard Scaachi and Pete were in the bathroom for 45 minutes because they were kissing and NOT because she was clogging the toilet and crying for it to happen again. TMZ HEADLINES WRITE THEMSELVES, PETER.

I’m not totally altruistic with this plan, I have to admit. Over Labor Day weekend, I’m heading back to my hometown after nearly a year away to attend a high school friend’s wedding. I love her and I’m happy to see her dedicate the rest of her life to the guy who played bass in the school band in 2007. But the wedding is also an inadvertent high school reunion.

You know what would soften the blow of showing up as a 31-year-old divorcee at a party full of people I haven’t seen since I was 17? Showing up on the arm of a guy who still has a bunch of tattoos from his ex-girlfriends. Maybe he could add me one. He might have, like, a tiffin spilling over his lower back. Or maybe his forearm could handle several misspellings of my first name: Sachi, Scarchi, Sanchi, Scootchy. I’m not looking to fall in love again right now, and I’m not looking for a big commitment, but I a m looking for someone to obsess over me for 10-15 weeks before a quiet and surprisingly friendly breakup. Has Pete Davidson been doing any charity work lately? He can start with me. ●

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